i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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