He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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