nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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