I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
