Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.