I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.