Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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