I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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