There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
