Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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