Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.