Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it