Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize