put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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