So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
