Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
