I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic