the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.