i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."