why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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