Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize