I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
