I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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