And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
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Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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