I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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