I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
His nipple licking is glorious
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize