pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
