11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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