Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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