She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.