I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from