Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.