So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...