I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
