i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we should paint friendship bongs
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