i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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