yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
