Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
