HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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