the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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