On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize