So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
