What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
