I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.