Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
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He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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