broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
