I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
