First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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