Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
