Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
