Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
