Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
