I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
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He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.