Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?