She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them