please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again