pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
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it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.