Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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