i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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