please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
