There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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